Jealousy: Where It Comes From and How It Shapes Our Lives

What causes jealousy and how does it affect our lives? Discover the psychology behind jealousy, personal stories, and ways to turn it into growth.

Why Talk About Jealousy?

Jealousy is one of those emotions we’d rather not admit to. It feels uncomfortable, sometimes even shameful. But ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. It shows up in our relationships, friendships, at work, and even in how we view strangers online.

I want to look at jealousy from both the psychological perspective and my personal experience. Because jealousy doesn’t just hurt, it can also teach us.

The Psychology of Jealousy

Psychologists define jealousy as an emotional response to a perceived threat.

It’s the feeling that someone might take away what we value: our relationship, our status, our sense of worth. But in real life, jealousy often starts with comparison. Scrolling through social media, seeing someone’s seemingly perfect relationship, or watching a colleague succeed faster than we do, suddenly, we feel that sharp sting: Why not me?

Different Faces of Jealousy

In daily life, jealousy shows up in many ways. Here are three common forms:

• Romantic jealousy – the fear that a partner may drift away. This is probably the most familiar type, though it deserves its own full discussion.

• Social jealousy – the feeling that comes when we scroll through social media, seeing the polished, “perfect” lives of others.

• Sisterhood jealousy – between women. We may genuinely like and support each other, yet still feel a pang when she gets promoted, has a happy relationship, or simply looks better in a dress.

  
  

Which kind of jealousy do you recognize most in your own life?

My Story: More a Target Than a Source

I’ve rarely felt jealousy toward others. Gratitude for what I already have keeps me grounded.

But I’ve often been the target of jealousy. Because I was/am different. Because I never did fit in. Because I raised my children alone and created a happy, stable life with them....

I’ve seen it in people’s eyes a smile on the surface, but something else underneath: resentment, hostility, or subtle digs.

Of course in relationships, jealousy appeared. Not because I felt “less,” but because my loyalty, care, and commitment weren’t valued. That experience taught me that jealousy isn’t always about looks or success, sometimes it’s about someone else’s inability to appreciate what they already have.

Where Jealousy Really Comes From

Jealousy is closely tied to self-esteem.The lower our sense of worth, the more we focus on others. Instead of appreciating what we have, we see only the gaps.

It also comes from childhood experiences. If you grew up hearing constant comparisons “Look how hard your brother tries” or “Your sister gets better grades” you learn that love and acceptance must be earned through competition. Without unconditional acceptance in childhood, adult relationships often trigger fear of being replaced or losing affection.

Then there are social pressures. Women are especially vulnerable, because society constantly evaluates us: looks, age, career, family status. Instead of solidarity, we’re often pushed into comparisons. And beyond culture and upbringing, there are even biological roots.

Female Rivalry and Female Solidarity

For centuries, culture has portrayed women as rivals, fighting for men’s attention, social standing, or beauty. Movies, TV shows, and social media reinforce this stereotype.

But research shows another truth: women also have strong mechanisms for supporting one another. We build communities, friendship networks, and mentorship circles. We often become the very foundation of resilience and strength.

As Brené Brown and other psychologists point out, jealousy doesn’t have to be purely destructive. It can serve as a signal pointing to areas in our life that need attention or as inspiration. Another woman’s success can prove that something is also possible for us.

When Jealousy Turns Toxic

Sometimes jealousy transforms into malice, manipulation, or aggression. Often, a jealous person projects their feelings onto others: “She thinks she’s better,” or “She didn’t deserve that.” How do we respond?I learned not to explain myself or prove my worth. It’s not my job to fix someone else’s emotions. Instead, I set boundaries and protect my peace.

Jealousy can inspire growth but only if we take responsibility for it ourselves.

Otherwise, it becomes a weapon aimed at others.

Jealousy About Relationships

People rarely envy money or titles. What they truly envy is peace, stability, and closeness.

My life looks different from many around me. I co-parent successfully with my children’s father, we share responsibilities from different perspective, our kids are not “victims” of divorce. We built a partnership, just with a new structure.

And that? It irritates some people more than any material success ever could. Because what they truly envy it’s connection.

Dealing With Jealousy

Your own jealousy:

• Stop comparing. Everyone has their own journey.

• Practice gratitude. Focus on what you already have.

• Turn jealousy into inspiration. If you want what someone has, let it motivate you instead of diminish you.

Other people’s jealousy:

• Don’t take it personally. It reflects their struggles, not your value.

• Set boundaries. Protect your peace and energy.

• Choose your relationships wisely. Not everyone deserves a place close to you.

Jealousy is normal. We can’t avoid it entirely in ourselves or in others. But we can choose what to do with it. Our own jealousy can act as a signpost, showing us what we desire.

Other people’s jealousy can serve as a mirror, proving that we have something valuable.

You don’t have to justify your happiness. Your only task is to nurture it.

I believe women don’t have to be rivals. We can be mirrors and support for each other. Because when one of us rises, she shows the others that they can too.

Instead of competition, let’s choose community and solidarity.

With Love,

Magda- Single Mom Mess