The Power of Forgiveness: How Letting Go Can Heal You

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood yet transformative tools we have for healing. For many years, I thought forgiving someone meant saying, “It’s okay. You didn’t hurt me.”But that’s not true. Forgiveness isn’t about excusing someone’s behavior. It’s about freeing yourself from the prison of resentment.

We often carry the weight of what others have done to us. We replay conversations, relive the pain, and analyze every detail of the betrayal, the abandonment, the harsh words. Sometimes we’re not even aware of how much it affects us—until we feel the tension in our bodies, the bitterness creeping into unrelated moments, or the heaviness that refuses to go away.

Forgiveness ≠ Reconciliation

It’s important to say this out loud: forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to let them back into your life. Some people don’t deserve access to your inner world anymore. You can forgive someone and still walk away. You can let go of the hate while still protecting your peace.

Forgiveness is not about saying, “You were right.” It’s about saying, “I deserve to be free.”

What Holding On Does to Us

When you hold onto anger and resentment, it doesn’t just stay in your mind. It burrows deep into your nervous system. Chronic stress, anxiety, sleep issues, and even physical illness can all be linked to unhealed emotional wounds. For years, I didn’t realize how much of my fatigue and tension were connected to the emotional baggage I was dragging behind me.

Unforgiveness becomes like a parasite that feeds off your energy, joy, and creativity.

The longer you carry it, the heavier it gets.

Why It’s So Hard

Forgiveness feels hard because it often comes with grief. When you forgive someone, especially someone close, you also have to grieve what you thought your relationship was—or what it could have been. You grieve the safety you thought you had, the love you hoped for, the version of the past that didn’t come true.

And that’s painful. It’s okay to sit with that pain. To cry. To rage. To feel it before you can release it.

What Forgiveness Gave Me

I remember the moment I realized I had to forgive—not for them, but for me. I was tired of carrying their actions inside my body. Tired of waking up with that heaviness. I started small: writing here and saying out loud (in podcast ) the truth of what hurt me, crying when I needed to, meditating on compassion—not just for them, but for myself.

Little by little, the grip loosened. And with that, I found something I never expected: relief. My breath got deeper. I laughed more. I was reclaiming my life.

But there is also....

Dr. Ramani’s Take: You Don’t Owe Forgiveness to Anyone

Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a leading expert in narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships, has said something that stopped me in my tracks:

“You don’t have to forgive someone to heal. You just have to cut off their access to you.”

This concept is radical for those of us who were raised to believe that forgiveness is a moral obligation. For those of us conditioned to minimize our pain and prioritize the feelings of others — even our abusers. Especially for women who were taught to be “good,” “forgiving,” and “understanding” no matter the cost.

But if someone repeatedly harmed you — emotionally, mentally, spiritually — why is your peace still tied to an idea that they deserve forgiveness?

Why Forgiveness Can Be Problematic After Abuse

In cases of trauma, especially from narcissistic or emotionally abusive relationships, traditional forgiveness can feel like another form of betrayal — self-betrayal. You might feel pressure to forgive in order to be seen as “healed,” “mature,” or “spiritual.” But inside, you’re still bleeding.

Dr. Ramani reminds us: healing is about reclaiming your reality, protecting your peace, and cutting the cord that keeps you emotionally entangled with the person who caused harm.

Forgiveness is not a requirement. Distance is. Boundaries are. Truth is.

Cutting Access Is the Real Release

We often think forgiveness will finally release us from pain — but in many cases, the release actually comes when we:

• Go no contact, or limit interaction.

• Stop seeking validation from the person who hurt us.

• Stop trying to “understand” them in ways that cost us our own clarity.

• Detach emotionally — even if the memories linger.

• Prioritize our safety and sanity above being “the bigger person.”

  
  

This is not about staying bitter. It’s about being real with yourself. Some people don’t deserve access to your life, your mind, or your heart ever again — no matter how much time passes.

And guess what? You can still heal.Without an apology.Without closure.Without forgiveness.

You Don’t Have to Carry Their Burden

Let’s flip the narrative. You’re not stuck because you haven’t forgiven. You’re stuck because you haven’t stopped trying to fix something that wasn’t your fault to begin with.

Stop holding yourself to a healing process that doesn’t honor your truth.

If forgiveness feels forced, inauthentic, or premature — let it go.

Let go of them. Let go of the need to forgive. Let go of the lie that you need to be “over it” in anyone else’s timeline.

Final Word: Choose What Serves You

Forgiveness might come later. Or it might never come. And that’s okay.Healing doesn’t require a bow-wrapped ending.

What it does require is this: you choosing yourself — fully, fiercely, and without apology.

You don’t need to forgive the one who made you question your worth.

You just need to reclaim it.

Final Thoughts: You Deserve Peace

Forgiveness isn’t a one-time event. It’s a process. Some days it feels like you’ve moved on, and other days the pain resurfaces. That’s okay. Healing is not linear. But every time you choose to soften your heart, even a little, you’re choosing yourself.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean what happened was okay.

It means: you’re okay now

It means you’re ready to stop letting the past steal your future.

And that, my dear, is a brave and beautiful thing.

#singlemommess #forgivness